Live. Laugh. Love?

Everything I touch turns to stone

2012-01-14T23:45:00.001+08:00

I was raised in a valley
There were shadows and death
Got out alive
But with scars I can't forget

This kid back in school
Subdued and shy
Went by, day by day
Unseen by most eyes

I don't know what it was
That made a piece of her die
Took a girl to the forest,
Slaughtered her with a scythe

Stamped on her face,
An impression in the dirt
Do you think the silence
Makes a good man convert?

We all have our horrors
And our demons to fight,
But how can I win
When I'm paralysed?

They crawl up on my bed
Wrap their fingers round my throat
Is this what I get
For the choices that I've made?

God forgive me for all of my sins,
God forgive me for everything

Don't go, I can't do this on my own
Save me from the ones
That haunt me in the night
I can't live with myself
So stay with me tonight
Don't go.

If I let you in,
You'd just want out
If I tell you the truth,
You'd vie for a lie

If I spilt my guts,
It would make a mess we can't clean up
If you follow me,
we'd only get lost

If you try to get closer,
We'd only lose touch
Yes you already know too much
And you're not going anywhere

Tell me that you need me, 'cause I love you so much.
Tell me that you love me, 'cause I need you so much.
Tell me that you need me, 'cause I love you so much.
Say you'll never leave me, 'cause I need you so much.

Don't give up on me just yet

2011-12-13T10:25:00.005+08:00

How long have I been in this storm? So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form. Water's getting harder to tread, with these waves crashing over my head.If I could just see you, everything would be all right.If I'd see you, this darkness would turn to light.

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown. So why am I ten feet under and upside down? Barely surviving has become my purpose. Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface.

It kills me that I hurt you this way. The worst part is that I didn't even know.Now there's a million reasons for you to go, but if you can find a reason to stay,I'll do whatever it takes to turn this around. And if you give me a chance, believe that I can change, I'll keep us together. Whatever it takes.

"You gotta let me inside even though it hurts. Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see. You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

Remember the time I told you the way that I felt? That I'd be lost without you and never find myself? Let's hold onto each other above everything else. Start over.

2011-12-12T14:05:00.001+08:00

Help.

The drug in me is you

2011-12-05T10:09:00.004+08:00

I'm not sad. I'm just not really that happy. Not there yet. And I don't know if I ever will be again. I think I can't. Not anymore. Cause all I keep doing is searching.

"Your secrets keep you safe, your lies keep you alive"

I got these questions always running through my head
So many things that I would like to understand
If we are born to die and we all die to live,
Then what's the point of living life if it just contradicts?

I felt the darkness as it tried to pull me down,
The kind of dark that haunts a hundred year old house
I wrestle with my thoughts, I shook the hand of doubt
Running from my past, I'm praying "Feet don't fail me now"

I've lost my goddamn mind
It happens all the time
I can't believe I'm actually meant to be here
And I'm so high on misery
Can't you see?

I've lost myself. You tried to reach me but you just can't help me. You tried to save me, it wont work this time.

I'm bound by fear of being trapped. I'm falling faster, fade to black. Something's standing in my way, hoping for better days. Searching..for serenity. Standing..edge of reality. -FIR

Truth Is..

2011-12-01T07:55:00.001+08:00

I'm always searching
For serenity
And I'm always standing
On the edge of reality

Waking Dreams

2011-11-27T22:06:00.002+08:00

Am I getting hallucinations, are my eyes playing tricks on me? Coz I've been seeing things that I can't really decide are real or not. And my dreams, they haunt me even when I'm awake. I thought nightmares were bad. These aren't just nightmares, they're empty dreams that somehow creep me out. A lot.

I close my eyes to see a freaky girl with white-out eyes just swaying her head from left to right. I hear that haunting song the lady on the rocking chair sang. Evil words I can't make out. I see creepy girls everywhere I go and I don't know if they're there or not. I'm starting to freak myself out.

And being in the room alone, I can't decide if it's a good or bad thing.

Just One Word

2011-10-27T23:44:00.003+08:00

FUCK

iwakeupinthemiddleofthenighttoscaremyselfbacktosleep.

Turning Tables

2011-10-23T23:06:00.004+08:00

Nightfall.
There's a certain kind of calm and peace about it. And with it, that inner fire burns.
I'm obsessed, harassed, possessed by this feeling.
All that I see, hear, feel, is that of those ..things in my head.
It's telling me to burn, burn, burn.
It makes me feel so powerful, and vulnerable all at the same time.
So I welcome the darkness.
Better the cold than that burning intensity.
And I set my thoughts to wrap around an image of you.
Slowly, slowly, we'd fade to nothing.
Together now.

And I know I have a fickle heart, and a bitterness
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head
But don't you remember?
Don't you remember the reason you loved me before?
Just please, remember me once more.
-Adele, Don't you Remember

2011-10-21T04:07:00.001+08:00

Am I too far gone to be saved? I feel like I'm still slipping.

Challenge Accepted

2011-10-07T17:23:00.003+08:00

Somehow, now that I'm pretty much free, I find myself wanting to do so many things I don't know where to start. Let loose, let loose!

Dye my hair pink?

My thoughts exactly

2011-09-29T14:03:00.005+08:00

Let's blame it on September
We can fight to hold on
But August is gone
And even if the sun falls
I hope we don't lose it all

.
.
.

August

2011-09-20T00:20:00.005+08:00

The sky is gray, it clouds your world

Clear the air, child, break the mold

I find a place in your heart

To build a shelter from this cold and winding road

Well, God knows you're barely standing

But you've got to carry this heavy load

-These Broken Hands, Joe Brooks

I know it's already mid-September but I almost wished it was still August. That August rush. I guess I understand what that means now. In a good way. I can't possibly describe everything that's happened then but one thing's certain; I'm a happier person.

Some people like to know where they've been, where they're going tomorrow. I'm not one of those. I don't know why it feels different now. I still don't know where I'm headed, but the path seems bright. You're there to guide me along. Wherever we end up, it doesn't matter, as long as we're never alone. I find myself wondering just how many more days till I get to see your face again everytime we part ways. I don't quite know just how to fill this space, even if it's only for short moments. Now it seems, these few stolen moments are what make them all the more valuable. Never to be wasted.

We talked about our lives. We talked about our families and friends. Good times, bad times. And there was never a moment when we felt out of place sitting comfortably next to one another. These next few months would be pretty challenging, but we'll pull through. We always do. I think the phrase more than friends has to be relooked. Because when I think about it, it's only right. Sometimes all you need is a friend you trust enough to want to spend the rest of your life with. A friend who will keep you smiling, even if it's just for the sake of smiling.

August. Those were the breakthrough moments. I had my good days. So did you. And then there was us. Need I say more? ♥

The Hut

2011-09-06T00:07:00.004+08:00

As I stumbled upon your hut...

It was dark, I could barely see beyond a few feet away. Blood, sweat, dirt smeared my face. Never tears. Not before this. The battles I fought, they never seemed to end. I've learned to fight them on my own. One after another my comrades fell, or ran off, like the cowards they were. But I never knew what kept me going, a glimmer of hope, a chance for survival? I just did. Your hut in sight, it made me realise just how tired I was. That I Am only human, warrior or not. And it was the last thing I saw before I dropped to my knees and the world disappeared for a moment. A brief escape, and I found myself inviting the refuge it brings.

My hands, they were strong
But my knees, were far too weak.
To stand in your arms, without falling to your feet
And as i fell, you rose to claim me.

Muhammad Syimir

2011-08-10T23:59:00.002+08:00

I love you.

Does that say enough? Would those three words suffice to embody everything I've ever felt and, God knows, still am feeling right now? Ever since, really I don't know how and when this started, heck, I don't even know what this is. The point is, I don't think I would be able to express myself clearly to you in words.

You asked me time and again, why, as I do you. Honestly, I don't really know. I could say you've been there for me when most would have turned their backs. Then again, it's only been...10 months since we first really, well, talked to each other. If October the 8th is anything to go by. Perhaps, it seemed like you were the first person to stop and listen to me in a long while. Someone I could talk to without really fearing being judged or criticised upon.

But there's just that something about you, that's, pardon me, boringly attractive. You're like this awesomely cool nerd who's..yea, always getting into trouble for the right reasons. And everytime you recall your secondary school days, there's this sparkle in your eyes, like I know you were much happier then. And I'd love to see it more often now. It heartens me now that you're less moody then when I first met you. More of a bubbly person. And it's real. I know we say things like we'll be there for each other and all that, but this feels real.

I still remember that night when you texted me in the middle of my Research Study with just one word. "Help." You've no idea how much I panicked when I called and heard your voice on the line. I guess rushing to meet you was instinct. I couldn't find another way around it. And then there was that night you went looking for me because I turned off my phone for hours. I was touched you'd go to that extent. And your voice sounding so relieved when I answered your call. I guess that's when our friendship was being tested. No doubt, we aced them.

Now I really don't know how to end this off. Because I know we'll be around for some time. And our story is far from ending. All I hope, is for us to stand strong, no matter what.

Sincerely, Me.

Monster

2011-08-07T22:59:00.002+08:00

You were my conscience, so solid.
Now, you're like water.

When you die, say “Goodbye”. Say “Goodbye”.

2011-08-03T13:25:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder, what they’ll say when I die.

"When I die, let me fly. Let me fly."

When I die please don’t mourn, cry not for me.
When I die please don’t lie, write a song for me.
Tell them what I did right and what I did wrong.
Don’t say rest in peace, help me live on.
Peace to any enemies in my memories, I forgive them.

Whether, it’s by natural causes or a car collision,
In the event of my death be happy that I left the drama.
What I’ve done in life, I hope it echoes ever after.
They think life is infinite, but don’t know the half.
Names die every day, time won’t remember most of ours
Just remember me as a true soul that showed her heart.

"When it’s me, set me free."

When it’s me, I want you to know that I loved you all.
I wasn't happy here, I could never be comfortable.
This one’s for you if we fell out over something small.
Don’t watch it, we’re all imperfect and vulnerable
This ain’t about being scared or brave.
When it’s me, death is something I’m prepared to face.
When it’s me don’t even waste your tears, I’m safe.
When I die, don’t lie about what my life was.
If I die with nothing else, just take my Love.
When I’m dust in the ground with my eyes shut,
Don’t count my money, just count the lives that I've touched.
Don’t say “Rest in peace” just let me be.
When it’s me, please God, just set me free.

"When I Go, save my soul."

When I go, will I be destined for Heaven, or Hell below?
Until then, I will never know.
Pray for my Family, pray for my Enemies.
Pray that I’m sent to a place that is Heavenly.
Pray for my present and pray for my legacy.
And pray that it’s in a positive way they remember me.
The second I die, someone will start a new life.
So ask yourself, what will they say when you die?

When you die, say “Goodbye”. Say “Goodbye”

wishlist! :D

2011-08-03T12:49:00.005+08:00

1. A polaroid camera
2. Log cake
3. A varsity jacket
4. ~~A black hoody~~
5. To dye my hair greyish yellow at the top and leave the bottom black
6. ~~A beanie~~
7. ~~To have a week's worth of a good night's sleep.~~
8. Happiness [pending]
9. A place I could really call home.
10.To find that portrait I had a long time ago.
11.For Tuesday to go well (:

The Voice

2011-07-27T23:28:00.005+08:00

It seems I have everything I need at this very moment. Even dead people still care about me, to put it crudely. I guess that's what happens if you really can't forget someone. It becomes a manifestation in your head.

Sometimes I wonder what other things I store in my head. Like flashbulb memories. They don't come back unless there's a trigger to it. When it does, I guess I'd understand why it was suppressed in the first place.

And I've been getting a lot of dizzy spells frequently. Not those terrible migraines no, even though they still come once every so often. Dizzy spells wherein sometimes, I think I hear more than what's around me. Occasionally, things just flash across my eyes like holographic flash images. I don't know what they are.

I think there's a monster in my head. And it's speaking to me.

I've been doing a good job of it so far haven't I?

Day by Day

2011-07-17T20:53:00.004+08:00

Ever wondered what the future could be like? Where you'll be, what you'll do, who you'll have around you?

I don't.

I know it may sound shallow or whatever but think about it, how many of us actually live long enough to see ourselves fulfill our entire list of 'to-do's and 'must-have's? I Am scared for the future, but I've never really sat long enough to worry about how I'll end up. We have plans and all that, but Life hasn't exactly been a straight road for me. Deviations are bound to occur. And then what? Give up hope? Lose your way? That's the problem with people nowadays, they work so hard for the future and when it doesn't go the way it should in their perfect little fairytale world, they fall apart. Lose it.

I don't want to be stuck in the past, and neither should anyone be so obsessed with the future, they forget about the present. It should be a law. I just want to survive today. And the next. And the day after. And so on.

And thats just it. Nobody lives forever. In fact quite the opposite. Our generation are expected to die before our parents. Its so hard to break the boundries that society has put on us, but you have to. I know its hard not to be scared about your future, You think you have to work non stop so you can live when you’re older. But fuck it. Your teenage years will be the best years of your life. So go live them. Roadtrips, Making music, fucking sluts, whatever. Just go do it. Don’t waste your time now for the future. Cause it may never happen, You may be killed tomorrow. Im never going to live my life in the conventional form that is Birth, School, College, Work, Marriage, The grave. Fuck that. This is what “this is what the edge of your seat was made for” is about, what BMTH is about. Good times. “Lets not change the subject - Lets go chase the sunset, Bring me the horizon,” Meaning to stop putting shit off, Get off the computer, And go and make unforgetable moments with your friends, Go get the feeling when your in a different country, the air is warm, And you feel so different.
— Oliver Sykes

My Word

2011-07-08T22:53:00.002+08:00

If I could reach into your mind, I'd want to take out all the bad, and leave behind the good stuff. If you could reach into mine, I hope you'll see the change you've brought in.

Sometimes I feel like sitting down and writing a song for you to show you how much I feel. But no, I'm no talented musician. Sometimes I wanna take a million pictures of you and create the perfect photo album. But no, I'm no skilled photographer. Sometimes i wanna pen out the most inspiring story from the times we've been through. But no, I'm no master of the pen.

And yet all these little things you do for me seem to make up the biggest portions of my life. I could never fully express how imperfectly perfect you've made me. The only gift I could ever hope to give to you, is my word. My word that I Will stand by you. No matter what. And trust me when I say I will not let us drift apart, by God I will not allow that.

Sky Full Of Lighters

2011-06-26T01:25:00.004+08:00

And I meant everything I said that night, I will come back to life. But only for you. In the sickness of you, I'm just a white blood cell fighting like hell for you

Infinite.

2011-06-19T03:56:00.003+08:00

When was the last time you felt so happy you swear your head's missing, somewhere in the clouds? I guess that's what I could say I am now. And I like it. But to some extent, I'm quite afraid. I don't want it to go away. It'd be like going cold turkey. I don't wanna grow cold. Not Again.

I love these long nights, just sitting and talking about absolutely everything and nothing. And then perhaps, sharing a meal or two. I like feeling like I want to go nowhere and yet everywhere with this person. Sit at one place for hours, and feel as though that was the best adventure I've had in a while. I love having a sweetheart like him. It's like opening up has never felt this easy in a while. And I want this to last for eternity. Because perhaps, right now, I feel pretty infinite.

"I love your eyes"
"Why?"
"They're beautiful"

"I get quite mad sometimes"
"I'm sorry"
"It's okay, because when I see you, you make me smile again"

"Remember when you told me, if you ever fell for me, I should slap you?"
"You should slap me 200 times already"
(:

Dear John,

2011-06-05T12:47:00.004+08:00

promise me you'd never leave. promise me you'd stay with me. i don't want to be that naive little girl that i once was, but i can't bear to see you leave. i'm afraid to lose what we have. i'm afraid that if you disappear, there's no saving me anymore. i know things change and i know some things don't last. but don't be that. promise me this.

Understand this.

2011-05-29T22:55:00.000+08:00

Clear enough?

Terrible Things

2011-05-26T22:51:00.004+08:00

Every morning I wake up, shower, get myself into fresh, nice-looking clothes, have breakfast perhaps, and go to school. In school, I'd hang around with anyone that happens to be around and I'd laugh and join in their conversations. Lessons are a mix of fun and boredom. I seem to be enjoying them at most. After school, maybe I'd be lucky enough to hang and have lunch with my bestfriend. And then I'd head home. At home, I play with my baby brother, and laugh when he laughs. And that's about the only thing that could have truly made me happy, besides having looked forward to seeing my best buddy after school. If only it was that simple.

Nightfall, I'm in bed. With a laptop. And when the lights turn off, I'm all alone. And that's when everything crashes down on me.

I guess the lesson here is, you can't hide from yourself.

"So don't fall in love, there's just too much to lose
If given the choice then I beg you to choose
To walk away, walk away
Don't let it get you
I can't bear to see the same thing happen to you
Now son, I'm only telling you this because
Life, can do terrible things
You'll learn one day, I hope and I pray
That God, shows you differently" -Terrible Things, Mayday Parade

And if you chose to walk away, I'd still be right here waiting

2011-05-17T02:19:00.004+08:00

I know I've been mistaken, but just give me a break and see the changes that I've made. I've got some imperfections. But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face? I hope you're not intending to be so condescending, it's as much as I can take.
-Right Here Waiting (Staind)

I always feel like I have no more say. I don't feel like I'm welcomed at home. Or anywhere else for that matter. I keep things to myself because I'm afraid that if I let them out to anyone, all I'll get is retribution for mistakes I may never forgive myself for. I want to end this cycle but I don't know how to. When all I get is the past thrown in my face, I feel like i'm slowly deleting myself from the here. The now. It doesn't help that some people enjoy putting salt over the wound.

I know i have wronged you, perhaps i let you down. But the things you say to me, makes me want to rip my ears, heart, eyes out.
"You deserved it",
that's what has been drilled into my head. Still, i'm trying so damn hard to piece this broken shell back together. It's never going to be the same, and for a while there, I had that illusion that perhaps things are back to normal. I don't like feeling as though nothing's to be saved. I miss the old times terribly, I miss having a family. But I still have hope, that one day, I'll stop feeling like as if all I am is a piece of dice, rolled back and forth. I'm tired. When is this game ending?

hurt.

2011-05-16T01:03:00.006+08:00

"I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do."

Turn on the charm for me tonight

2011-05-15T23:27:00.004+08:00

I got so sick of being on my own
Now the devil won't leave me alone
It's almost like I've found a friend
Who's in it for the bitter end

Our consciences
Are always so much heavier than our egos
I set my expectations high
So nothing ever comes out right

I got my heavy heart to hold me down
Once it falls apart, my head's in the clouds

I want to tear myself apart.

The Lonely

2011-05-09T01:44:00.008+08:00

2am, where do I begin? Crying off my face again. The silent sound of loneliness wants to follow me to bed. I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most. I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Too afraid to go inside. For the pain of one more loveless night. But the loneliness will stay with me, and hold me till I fall asleep. Broken pieces of a barely breathing story, where there once was love. Now there's only me... and the lonely.

Dancing slowly in an empty room. Can the lonely take the place of you? I sing myself a quiet lullaby. Let you go and let the lonely in, to take my heart again.
-The Lonely, Christina Perri

Live Again

2011-05-08T01:46:00.003+08:00

Was looking through some old photos. And I came across these.

I don't really know what to make of them. Do you? Seems to me like I wasted half of my youth.

A Jar of Hearts

2011-05-02T21:10:00.004+08:00

If all the world were a billion different colours, it wouldn't have made much of a difference. Not to the young girl sitting by the window sill, silently staring out. She blinked once. Twice. Raindrops pelted the window, thunder rolling off in the distance. She smelled it in the air, could almost feel the wetness on her face. As lightning flashed across the sky, her breath got caught in her throat. For a moment, the blinding light brought images to her. And as quickly as they appeared, the images faded. A pitch black world. For every raindrop she heard, she imagined how it would look like, falling, falling, falling. The warmth of the sun she enjoyed, but this. This was transcendental. The rain splashed pictures in her head. Colours she never knew existed. And she closed her eyes. And she was hopeful. Hopeful for the next time she opened them again.

Schindler's List

2011-04-25T00:27:00.004+08:00

It's 12.32am in the morning. I can't go back to sleep. Not for a while. I had a dream. And I can't remember what it was. All I know is that the moment I woke up, I couldn't have felt any sadder. Or lost. It was like the sorrow of the whole world was upon my shoulders. And there was nothing I could do except cry. Cry for the state of the world we're in. Cry for the emptiness and coldness of every single living thing that's ever felt alone at one point in their lives. Cry for the humble beginnings and tragic endings. Cry for the times gone, the times wasted and the times yet to come. Cry for innocence lost, hope and faith fading, strength and courage diminishing. Cry for everything, everyone, every second of precious life. Cry for the silent cries of help and the slow breathing of a dying world. Just cry.

I don't know what's gotten me so shaken in the middle of the night. It will be a while until I'll be able to calm myself down again. For now, all I want to do is just curl up and remain in that position till the next morning.

Bill:"Do you always think this much, Charlie?"
Charlie: "Is that bad?"
I just wanted someone to tell me the truth.
Bill: "Not necessarily. It's just that sometimes people use thought to not participate in life."
Charlie: "Is that bad?"
Bill: "Yes."

My Friend...

2011-04-14T04:05:00.005+08:00

dude,
syimir,
just to let you know that,
no matter what happens,
i would still stand by you.
no matter how much you change,
i would still love you.
no matter how down and out you are,
i will still be there for you.

sometimes it may seem that
the ugly scar
engraved deep in your memory
will stay there forever
sometimes it just seems that
everything starts to fall apart
and you can't pick up the pieces
then a strong wind blows by
and complicates matters even more
leaving you helpless and lost

dude,
there was this point of time
in my life
where i was constantly putting on a mask
not showing the world my true self
and acting like a total someone else
why
because i was too afraid
of facing reality
and believe it or not
i was suffering from depression too
who hasn't lived in isolation and loneliness?
who thinks that the world is always fair?
who lives each day of his/her life without any problems?

syimir,
life is not
always a bed of roses
not pick elephants and lemonade
it exists in halves.
half day half night
half good half bad
light wouldn't make sense
if there wasn't darkness
fun peace joy and laughter
wouldn't be themselves if
boredom, hatred, sadness and anger
wasn't present

whatever it is,
just know that i'll be here for you.its alright if you're not ready now,its also
alright if you don't wanna tell me anything,just remember to be yourself.and cherish.

-love,
farah

Sometimes it's best to just walk away and say, "fuck you"

2011-04-11T23:17:00.003+08:00

I've learned a lot these past few years, through my fake smiles and unseen tears,

that friends sometimes are not forever and true love does not always last.

The good memories stay with you but the good moments go by fast.

But someone will always be there, someone that honestly does care.

Sleep Tight

2011-04-07T00:28:00.004+08:00

What's worse than wanting something you can't have? It's not knowing what you want. Wishing on all the stars in the sky for the answers to your questions, for something to believe in; someone to hold. Having absolutely no control over yourself. Being caught up in a place you wish you were miles away from. Being stuck somewhere between the past and the future, nowhere near where you should be - in the present. Stuck in yesterdays and tomorrows, so far from home, far from everything you know and love. The uncertainty could just about tear you to bits.

now where's my black book?

...I want to curl up and sleep till forever...

When Enough Is Enough But You Gotta Keep Going

2011-03-26T00:36:00.003+08:00

You know that feeling when you're just waiting, waiting to get home into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day, that feeling of both relief and desperation? Nothing is wrong, but nothing is right either, and you're tired, tired of everything, tired of nothing, and you just want someone to be there and tell you it's okay, but no one's going to be there, and you know you have to be strong for yourself because no one can fix you. But you're tired of waiting, tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else, tired of being strong, and for once, you just want it to be easy, to be simple, to be helped, to be saved, but you know you won't be, but you're still hoping and you're still wishing and you're still staying strong and fighting with tears in your eyes. You're fighting.

We're Smiling But We're Close To Tears

2011-03-24T00:35:00.008+08:00

She said that she wanted to get high. He took her to the tallest hill in town. She said that she wanted to stay up all night and drink. He gave her a 12 pack of caffeinated Pepsi and said “drink up.” She said that she wanted to shoot herself in the face. He gave her a water gun, put her finger on the trigger, aimed it at her face, and helped her pull the trigger. She said that she wanted to cut herself. He took a Polaroid of her, handed it to her along with scissors, and had her cut it up. She said that she wanted to see her blood. He took her to get her ears pierced. She said that she wanted to cry herself to sleep. He had her watch a sad, romantic movie before bed. She said that she wanted to be alone. He gave her a name tag that said “My name is: Alone.” She said that she wanted to have someone there to take care of her, always. He asked when he wasn’t.

Tainted Obligations

2011-03-22T16:19:00.004+08:00

They take pictures of mountain climbers at the top smiling, ecstatic, triumphant. They don’t take pictures along the way, cuz who wants to remember the rest of it? We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level. Nobody takes pictures of that. Nobody wants to remember. We just wanna remember the view from the top. The breathtaking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing. And it’s worth the pain. That’s the crazy part. It’s worth anything.

No matter how many plans we make or steps we follow, we never know how our day is going to end up. We’d prefer to know, of course, what curveballs will be thrown our way. It’s the accidents that always turn out to be the most interesting parts of our day, the people we never expected to show up, a turn of events we never would have chose for ourselves. All of a sudden you find yourself somewhere you never expected to be and its nice, or it takes some getting used to. Still, maybe you’ll find yourself appreciating it somewhere down the line. So you go to sleep each night thinking about tomorrow, going over your plans, preparing for them, and hoping that whatever accidents come your way will be happy ones.

But maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

Young Love Murder

2011-03-20T13:16:00.006+08:00

When did I become such a hypocrite?
Double life, lies that you caught me in.
Trust me, I'm paying for it.
Who I am is not who I wanna be.
I'm such a tragedy.
With every move, I die.

I guess we were the same; too stubborn to apologize and too filled up with rage.

Truth is; You don't have to learn to control your thoughts. You have to learn to not let your thoughts control you.

It's my heart, & it's broken.

2011-03-19T03:35:00.004+08:00

Holly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat & maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid & you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
-(Breakfast At Tiffany's)

The Cure

2011-03-15T00:24:00.005+08:00

Chapter Two

I can be tough
I can be strong
But with you, It's not like that at all

Theres a girl who gives a shit
Behind this wall
You just walk through it

And I remember all those crazy things he did
Didn't think about it, just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish he was here

I love the way you are
It's who I am, don't have to try hard
We always say it like it is
And the truth is that I really miss

All those crazy things we said
You left them running through my head
He's always there, He's everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

It's amazing the things you realize when you lose someone: you get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could've a million times, you take for granted the days spent doing nothing when you could have been with them. Anyone can be taken, at anytime in our lives, but we always wait until they're gone to say the things we never had the courage to before.

I don't know where the roads of life will take us, but when I look back, he will be one of the people I will see first. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he makes me want to be a better person. You're not him, and he wasn't you. But you don't know how awfully happy I am to have you around now. And people tell me to move on, or forget about him, I never will. But there is no way I can do that and still be full of life. You helped me to see that. And that, my friend, is the best gift I could ever have. I am alive again. And I guess I should be calling you 'Doctor' from now on.

I Need A Doctor

2011-03-10T23:35:00.004+08:00

Chapter One

I told the world, one day I would pay it back.
Say it on tape and lay it, record it, so that one day I could play it back.
But I don't even know if I believe it when I'm saying that.
Doubt startin' to creep in, everyday it's just so grey and black.
Hope, I just need a ray of that
'Cause no one sees my vision
And I don't know if I was awake or asleep when I wrote this.
All I know is you came to me when I was at my lowest.
You picked me up, breathed new life in me. I owe my life to you.
But for the life of me, I don't see why you don't see like I do.
But it just dawned on me; you lost someone. Demons fighting you, it's dark.
Let me turn on the lights and brighten it, enlighten you.
I don't think you realize what you mean to me, not the slightest clue.
'Cause me and you, we're like a crew. I was like your sidekick.
You gon' either wanna fight me when I get off,
Or you gon' hug me. But I'm out of options, there's nothing else I can do cause...

I'm about to lose my mind
You've been gone for so long
I'm running out of time
I need a doctor
Call me a doctor
I need a doctor, doctor
To bring me back to life

Perfect

2011-03-10T11:59:00.007+08:00

I am not perfect, and I don't pretend to be.
So I don't wear a size zero, and I use bad language.
Not every guy calls me "pretty" or "hot".
I never worry about "calories" and my face is not plastic, fake.
But I do remember promising to perfect myself as a person.
So I will do just that.
I'll keep trying to be perfect in your eyes
and hope one day, maybe just one day,
I am good enough for you.

...you know what? Nevermind. Forget I ever said all of that. Screw that shit. No comprendo? _|_

2011-03-07T14:19:00.000+08:00

I still tear when I hear this song. )':

talking to myself

2011-03-06T02:39:00.003+08:00

I feel like I'm going through a relapse.

Is anybody out there? It feels like I'm talking to myself. No one seems to know my struggle. And everything I come from. Can anybody hear me? I guess I keep talking to myself. It feels like I'm going insane. Am I the one who's crazy?

To anyone out there who I've been giving shit to or well, not been a very nice person to be around, this here is my apology. Guess I just forgot who I was. If I ever thought about going at you, it's nothing personal. Just some shit I'm going through.

To Syimir: Dude, I know haven't exactly been nice to you lately. And sometimes, I do things intentionally to hurt or upset you. I'm sorry man. You've beared with me till now, don't give up on me just yet.

To Nixon: I haven't exactly been straight with you and that catching up session we had, I know I haven't been a good friend. I just need more time.

To Aryna: Thanks for those nice little comments be it on the blog or twitter or anywhere else. You never fail to make me smile. I don't know what's gotten into me, sometimes.

To Anyone Else: I'm sorry to have been posting shitty posts at times, I'm just trying to figure myself out. If I ever did anything personally to offend or upset you, I'm sorry.

Keep your heads up. Don't let up. Just keep slaying them, those demons. Rest in Peace to Jack. I know what it's like, I struggle with this shit every single day.

Love Always, Charlie

2011-02-28T15:32:00.004+08:00

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

Perks of Being a Wallflower

2011-02-27T01:44:00.002+08:00

I want to go on a road trip to nowhere, alone. Meet new faces, some that will stick with you halfway, others that just walk in and out. See new places, feel new things. You know how people have their lives laid out in front of them, an ideal future planned and all that? Well I don't. And I don't think I ever will. Right now, I can stand here looking out of my window and I can say I have no idea where I'm headed. It's a bit like that road trip, you know? I think I may have a destination in mind, and then I have to make a detour. What I'm saying is, all I know, when I'm old and tired with life, I want to just.. disappear. Go quietly you know? I don't think I wanna make a fuss out of leaving this world or trying to prove myself in any way because, I'd have done that all my life. I get sad thinking about it sometimes. It sounds lonely. But really, I don't see myself in any other way.

I know people think it's weird that I want to disappear and not just die peacefully like most would want. And not have any idea of what I want to do, or where I want to go, or what kinda family I want to raise. I find it weird too, and sad. But that's the perks of being a wallflower eh? You come quietly, and you blend in. You see, you understand, but you keep quiet. And then you leave and no one would have noticed you'd ever been there. That's just me.

I'm sorry if this all sounds mixed and jumbled up and all that. But you see a piece of my mind now. It's how I think. I wish I could tell you how I wish I was living back in the olden days when you travelled on horses and exploring the world would be easier and I'm not tied down to school and all. I wish I could tell you how nice it was when I gave my mum a kiss when she was asleep this week. Or how I wish I still have that old mixtape Jack gave to me when I was feeling sad. Or even about that day when me and my mum and dad were just flying kites, and I don't know why I remember it, just that I did and it was a nice feeling. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I wish I didn't wish too much, if that makes any sense.

Best Slip Up

2011-02-22T21:38:00.002+08:00

Too bad douche.

Drugs and Booze

2011-02-21T00:40:00.009+08:00

"Memories are a way of keeping the past alive. Some are so painful, we never want to visit them again. But a memory can also be a gift that we can open again and again in order to fill ourselves with happiness. And sometimes, a moment becomes a memory the instant it's happening, because it is so true, so pure, and so significant, you want to capture it forever"

- Kyle XY (:

What is it with us never being satisfied with the now and present? I mean, we should be striving to make the best memories out of the times we're going through right? That's one way to be happy. Keep making memories. Good ones. What is it with us younger generation always promising to live life to the fullest and then spending our days getting wasted? Do you even remember those days you spent wasted? Did breaking promises satisfy our quest for immortality while we're young and bored?

Because for some reason, every teenager is breaking something. Walls, arms, phones, and hearts. So maybe that's why this is the hardest time of our life, because we're never quite whole. It's these asinine things we do like jumping off a moving pickup truck, or trespassing into an old property to get bamboo, or skipping school to sniff glue, or even lying in the middle of an empty road just because we can, that makes us so vulnerable and yet so invincible all at the same time.

I really do enjoy being young, and getting to spend my days like I spent today. I woke up, ate, went on the computer, read a book, napped, read again, ate, head out, computer, sleep. It's simple. Occassionally, there are exams and getting broke. And then there are also Starbucks(booze) and Famous Amos(drugs). And a friend or two to share them with. Really, what more do I need?

5 Positive Thoughts:
1. Enjoy being alive. There's plenty of time to be dead.
2. Sometimes, nobody really cares if you are miserable, so you might as well be happy.
3. If you can't solve it, it's not a problem, it's reality.
4. Happiness is like perfume; you can't pour on others without getting few drops on yourself.
5. If all good things must come to an end, then don't worry. All bad things will eventually end too

"I don't even know what I was running for. I guess I just felt like it."

2011-02-20T00:10:00.006+08:00

I realise I've been blogging rather differently than I have been a long time ago. Describe my day? I had a good day. Studying in a library has never been more exciting. No, that's a lie. Since when is studying exciting? I find myself hungry a lot these days. And yet when there's food, at times, the hunger disappears...And then I forget all about eating till the next day. (: No, that's not good. I'm NOT fat. So I should eat. Yea.

Exams are nearing, and I can't exactly say I'm feeling the heat but by God, I need to maintain or improve my GPA. I have a bad feeling it's gonna drop this semester. It shouldn't. Or else.

My thoughts are flying all over the place now. My arm burns. And then you know what I thought of? This:

Pain, it is The Obliterator. Because when you are in pain, nothing else can exist. Not thought, not emotion. Only the drive to escape the pain. When it is strong enough, the Obliterator strips us of everything that makes us who we are. Until we're reduced to creatures less than animals. Creatures with only a single desire and goal: Escape.

On another note, I wanna try something new. It must be pretty boring reading my posts when they have nothing whatsoever to do with anyone else, i.e. you. So ask me questions on formspring. I'll post about them. Once I'm done with my semestral exams next week. :) Click here

What's yours?

We're Only Human

2011-02-10T01:08:00.005+08:00

"Because in every relationship there comes a point when the damage is too much and no matter how good it once was, the memories can't sustain you. You have to save yourself knowing all the while it will hurt like hell. Because you can't keep giving someone everything if you get nothing in return."

When I am in a dark tunnel, I want to be with people who love me enough to just sit with me in the darkness, and not stand outside telling me how to get out. I think that's what we all want. The things about life that I've learned is that you're going to get hurt. You're going to have emotional nights and cry yourself to sleep for hours. You're going to suffer some kind of heartbreak, some kind of loss. But you will also have those moments where you heal. Those moments are the best. You feel like you smile for the first time again. You feel like you're alive again. Life just kind of restarts.

2011-02-06T04:15:00.001+08:00

Am I Bad?

That's what I've been told all my life.

The Last Something That Meant Anything

2011-02-01T15:25:00.004+08:00

The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when sad tries not to bite its lip and not cry and smile and go, “No, I’m happy for you”?
That’s when sad is really sad.

Sometimes late at night I think about all the things that have been, all the things that haven’t been and all the things yet to be. If my heart could explode into a billion tiny pieces and scatter themselves all over the world. If I could live on sunlight and the city sounds and fall asleep in those thousands of lighted windows. I wonder if this world will ever make sense to me, if I will ever truly understand anything… and if there’s really anything to understand at all.

Some find comfort in things they can't explain.

Johnny Boy

2011-01-26T23:41:00.003+08:00

Things have a way of working out I guess. Like I might have had a terrible start in the morning but it I'd still think I'd had a Wonderful day. Because at the end of the day, it's what stays in your mind when you end the day off that matters. I think life is simpler than we tend to think. We look for answers and more answers. But there are no answers. Things happen in life, good things and bad.

I have people who care for me. I am grateful. One of the best feelings in life is discovering that you are still appreciated by someone, regardless on how somebody else have made you feel unworthy. For this, I have no reason whatsoever to think that I am alone. And I have you to thank for it (:

"For a second, that split second, you don’t care. You don’t care about school, about parents, about money, about rules, or broken hearts. Who you care about are the kids sitting next to you. Cause it’s all we really need, isn’t it? Those kids next to you. Yeah, the ones who make you feel invincible, even at your weakest points."

This House Is Falling Down

2011-01-24T00:16:00.003+08:00

I know how it feels like to be you now.
This constant worry.
JD, R.I.P.
In fact fuck R.I.P.
JD, L.T.M.
Live Through Me.

"I am a victim of you and your misery. I feel resentment in my blood. Oh how the wounds are so deep. There's nowhere to hide in from between misery. But behind and blind is where you want us to be. Do you know you're breaking on me?"

Hadouken! - Declaration Of War

2011-01-23T13:41:00.001+08:00

I'm walking wounded on the ground
But I will stand here tall
No, I will stand here tall

If you want war with me
If you want war with me, then bring your beef
If you want war with me
If you want war, then you've got war.

You try to rip me but I don't tear and I don't care
My skin is thicked out, I've learned this lesson years before
This time I'm ready for your war
But now I'm ready for your war

I should have put this flame out years ago
but you burnt my house down, and I won't move
and as I stand here alone in this dust
I've got nothing left to lose

Cuz I've seen your ways and I know your plan
And I've been around and I've seen this place before
I won't do this anymore
but if you want war, you got war

So bring your friends out, I'll take my place and you take yours
and launch your guts out and we'll declare war
I should have seen this years before
but now I'm ready for your war

I should have closed these borders years ago
but you left me somewhere I know well
and as I stand here in no-man's land
I contemplate your attack

Cuz I've seen your ways and I know your plan
cuz I've been around and I've seen this place before
I won't do this anymore
but if you want war, you got war

You can try and hurt me
I'll come back for more

Live Through Me

2011-01-20T15:23:00.006+08:00

Some days are harder than others. Some days I can't eat or sleep. Some days I can't think. Some days I can't even leave my bed. Some days I feel like giving up.

But I'm living my life now for you. It wasn't meant to be this way but I won't fail you like I failed you the last time. And so i know that:

Some days are okay. Some days I don't need to fake a smile. Some days I almost feel happy again. And some days, I know I will be alright.

I spend way too much time in my head

2011-01-18T09:31:00.002+08:00

Deep, deep inside of your heart, there is a weight that still needs to be lifted. You cover it up, but the pain never stops. Sometimes I wish that you would just listen. Deep, deep inside of yourself, there is a soul starving for some affection. Been waiting for years and the time passes by. All you ever wanted was to fit in. -Humans; The Scene Aesthetic

Sometimes it feels like the weight of the whole world is on my shoulders. I want to cry but I don't want to seem like I'm falling apart. I'm not.

I'm supposed to be the soldier that never loses composure.
I'm supposed to be there for people to look to.
I'm supposed to be strong so others would see me and keep their faith and hope.
I'm supposed to be there to fix things when no one else would.
I'm supposed to take responsibility for things no one else want to take the blame for.
I'm supposed to take the fall and still end up back at the top, in one piece, unscarred. If I'm scarred, I can't show it.
I'm supposed to do things that are right.
I'm Supposed To Be Superhuman.

I'm trying to be what they want. But I don't feel right. And in a sense, I'm in the wrong. I don't know what's right and wrong.

Perks of being a wallflower

2011-01-15T00:47:00.004+08:00

There are those occasional nights when you break down and cry because everything’s changing and there’s nothing you can do. Sometimes I wish that I could just run and not have to worry about what I left behind. I've come to realize that one of the best feelings in life is waking up and realizing that you've let go of that one thing that has been burdening you.

I'm not making any sense. I'm drained. I wanna collapse.

I <3 Little Miss Sunshine

Terrorist- Lowkey

2011-01-14T00:45:00.007+08:00

So, we must ask ourselves. What is the dictionary definition of "Terrorism"?
-The systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion.
But what is terror?
According to the dictionary I hold in my hand, Terror,
is violent or destructive acts such as bombing committed by groups in order to intimidate a population, or government into granting their demands.
So whats a terrorist?

Terrorist- Lowkey

Rocketeer

2011-01-12T00:23:00.003+08:00

I'm supposed to be asleep now but....

There are a lot of things i want currently.

1. A polaroid camera
2. Log cake
3. A varsity jacket
4. A black hoody
5. To dye my hair greyish yellow at the top and leave the bottom black (that skater dude looked damn good in it! *.*)
6. ~~A beanie~~
7. To win today's captain's ball games. And I mean all of it.
8. To have a week's worth of a good night's sleep.
9. Happiness
10. A place I could really call home.

Any kind soul out there who could grant me these? :D
And people should stop judging and bitching so much. I'm annoyed.

Make up your damn minds already. If you don't like me, don't act.

Reflect.

2011-01-02T12:44:00.005+08:00

I called you when I needed you most, I thought we would link. I told you the bad news, you haven't talked to me since. Frankly, I don't want to talk to a shrink. I might look happy but I'm angry and I'm tortured within. You come back around now, with your hands out. I can see the guilt in your eyes, maybe you understand now. It isn't the fact that when I talk you didn't listen. It's that you said you'd call back in a minute but you didn't. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to beg friend. It just feels like my life's hit a dead end. I tried to turn around but now my back's against the wall. And the pain just won't stop I might have to end it all.

I tell myself life is sacred, It's not right to waste it. I feel surrounded but at the same time isolated. At times my own daydreams scare me, I find myself hating anyone that may seem carefree. I'd rather go out smiling than crying at home. I've realized that my worst fear is dying alone. At times I lose my composure but that's not a surprise. I can't control the emotions I keep bottled inside. Don't pretend there's a friendship you and me share. When you hit rock bottom people are usually scared. I guess stupidly I expected you to be there, but when the shit hits the fan man, who really cares.

I was just sitting here feeling sorry for myself and helpless, then I realized that I was just being selfish. I'm a soldier, my self-centered brain is my helmet. But when reality hit me I felt sick.
We run from our problems - there's many that are paralyzed
We take life for granted - these simply never had a life
We've heard it all before - some people are deaf

That tramp lives in a box while I sleep in my bed. Inside I'm a tortured soul who hates living, but there's people being tortured in Abu Ghraib prison. There's youths right now that are dying from Malaria so we can have clean running water in our area. That shit there, has got me feeling ashamed. If you've been through it, tell me what's the meaning of pain. You went court, and they locked you away when you were acting wild. There's people in Guantanamo Bay that never had a trial.
We've seen a lot - there's some that were born blind.
You whopped bare chicks, you think you a heavyweight? In Africa 6000 people die from AIDS everyday. And the babies there get it from their mothers, so think about that next time you fuck without a rubber. It hurts but no one said the truth would be fair. The world's a messed up place man, but who really cares?

"I don't want to scare you, but I can very well clearly see you dying nobly, one way or another, for some highly unworthy cause." -- Mr. Antolini to Holden Caulfield (Catcher in the Rye)

wake up girl

2011-01-02T00:58:00.002+08:00

I've been feeling terribly, horribly alone of late. It's like I'm with people but part of me isn't. And everytime I think about how I may not be the only one, another thought comes to mind. At the end of the day, they have someone else to love even if it's unrequited. And that makes all the difference.

I'm selfish, I know. I don't know why but I seriously believe that I would die for almost anyone. It feels wrong. I don't feel like I have anyone I would trust my life to and yet I'd take my own for someone whom I'd barely even know. I feel lonely. Why am I not grateful? I need to screw myself upside down. I tend to think no one else would understand but really, I'm deluded. I need to recall what solitude is. And no, this loneliness, it ain't solitude. My post on March 8 last year really hit me. Hard. I shouldn't be wallowing so much. Things need to change. For the better.

"Wake up. This world doesn't just revolve around you."

Drop The World

2011-01-01T22:39:00.000+08:00

I got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes
Hate in my heart, love in my mind.
I've seen nights full of pain, days of the same.
You keep your sunshine, save me the rain.

I search but never find, hurt but never cry
I work and forever try, but I'm cursed so nevermind
And it's worse but better times seem further and beyond
The top gets higher, the more that I climb
The spot gets smaller and I get bigger
Trying to get into where I fit in
But soon it'd be on
Cause all this bullshit, it made me strong

So Imma pick the world up and Imma drop it on your fuckin head
And I could die now, rebirth
Hop up in my spaceship and leave Earth
I'm gone

this can't be it

2010-12-30T00:44:00.005+08:00

Sometimes it's not enough to just say you've tried.

i didn't try hard enough

i want to run forever

2010-12-21T19:20:00.004+08:00

"Of course I'm holding back! I'm insane, you idiot! Remember the other day, when you told me that I had pit stains? Well, I have cried every fifteen minutes on the half-hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt. I have panic attacks. I'm claustrophobic, germaphobic, phobiaphobic. I talk to myself. I talk to my cat. I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice. And yesterday, when that stupid pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves, I almost killed the guy whose leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks! Why a box of steaks? 'Cause my dad had an affair with a female butcher! And, as I mentioned before, I am insane. There! I opened up! Are you happy?"
-Elliot Reid (Scrubs)

I can relate to that. Now what's that tell you?

The Kids Don't Stand A Chance

2010-12-20T21:55:00.004+08:00

It's finally term break. I've been finding myself outdoors a lot recently. I really prefer to be out of the house for some reason. And I find it a relief. Sometimes I think I'd be better off on my own then with these strangers at home. Then again, home is a group of people, not a place. I do try to interact with my sisters, but at times it feels like there's this invisible barrier between me and the rest of the household. Am I not trying hard enough? Weekend nights spent at East Coast do help clear some of this shit up. And I'm grateful for that wonderful friend I have. In time I'll get better, I know.

I've been through worse, I know. I'll get through this. It's only times like these when I wish I could have my old life back. It's not right, it's not. I'm a better person now than I ever was. I just can't help wondering what could have happened if only things went differently. If only I had made a different choice. If only some people that were around back then, are still around. If only. I don't like this. Thinking of what ifs and if onlys. It's too late for regrets, but I still have them. I wanna be happy. I want to forget all the shit that's happened and start afresh. I wanna live a life without regrets but filled with gratitude. I want to be alive.

But maybe it's good that I am where I am now. The choices that I've made were my own. I'll live.

We're trapped inside the matrix
Forced to play our hand
We're fill with so much hatred
The kids don't stand a chance

Now playing- Beautiful Monster by Ne-yo

2010-12-15T22:53:00.001+08:00

"but if i ever fall for you, slap me so hard i forget my name"

Small details such as this that may seem forgettable but helps make my day anyway. Because in my point of view, it shows it's run through his mind at least once. (:

Thanks Syimir, bro. I like you as my best bud, as it should be. (:

where it matters most

2010-12-12T01:14:00.003+08:00

I feel more comfortable talking to strangers than people I know. I believe this because chances are I'll never see them again, and I feel like I can say anything I want. They don't know my past or what I've done, they can only judge me on who they are seeing right that second. I'm the person I am now not then, people I know don't know the difference

I've made a lot of mistakes concerning friendships, and I've wronged a lot of people. But I've realized through that that the ones that matter are the ones that you will fight with and you'll both cry for hours over it for nothing. You'll drift apart from them, but you realize you've never been closer. You can pick out the person you miss the most, and you'll pick them even though you still speak with them everyday. I think you miss the exclusiveness, but in the end you realize if you love someone so much, you need to share them with the world. You need to show the world that they're much more than just this person you know.

Hurricane.

2010-11-05T23:13:00.002+08:00

No matter how many times that you told me you wanted to leave.
No matter how many breaths that you took you still couldn't breathe.
No matter how many nights that you lie wide awake to the sound of the poison rain.
Where did you go?

As days go by, the night's on fire.

Tell me, would you kill to save a life? Tell me, would you kill to prove you're right? Burn, let it all burn. This hurricane's chasing us all underground.

No matter how many deaths that I die I will never forget.
There is a fire inside and the sound of a riot about to explode into flames.
Do you really want me dead or alive to torture for my sins?
Do you really want me dead or alive to live a lie?

The promises we made were not enough. The prayers that we'd prayed were like a drug. The secrets that we sold were never known. The love we had, we had to let it go.

A warning to the people, the good and the evil. This is war. To the soldier, the civilian, the martyr, the victim. This is war. A warning to the prophet, the liar, the honest. This is war. To the leader, the pariah, the victim, the messiah. This. Is. War.

Shit Happens.

2010-11-02T00:06:00.003+08:00

I haven't blogged in a very long time. Too long. Shit happens. (Y)

Funny thing is, I've always sort of been able to sense shit coming, before it arrives. So all's good. Or not. And when shit happens, no matter how much you think you've gained insight prior to it happening, perspectives are still being altered. So no, I may have liked to think that I still see some people as being the nice, awesome, fun-loving creatures they were before but there's always gonna be that inkling of apprehensiveness whenever I face them now. Shit happens.

Twitter

2010-08-24T21:10:00.007+08:00

Follow me on twitter.

Twitter.com/Teddygore

Life's too hectic for me to post up essays of how things are going at the moment.
Kthxbye.

Pass Out

2010-07-18T18:28:00.002+08:00

I feel like I should be talking about something important here. Right now. But I've got no idea what.

School's a mess. And I love messy. But it gets too messy at times. Studies and academics wise, I know I can do better. It's just that when everything falls on you at the same time, you take a while to get those pieces off you. I haven't been getting enough sleep and honestly, studying isn't really something I enjoy. But I can't call it torture. God knows what torture feels like, I'm lucky I don't.

Then there're the other parts of my life. Yes, I'm stuck in that love-hate rut. I need to climb out rung by rung but I haven't been able to get all the way out. Only time will tell. I've had my fair share of wanting something so bad, and I always ended up having to walk away. Not this time. I can't. For once, I need to feel that I can get what I want. Not just what I need. Is that so wrong?

Other than that, I must say I've been having my fun. I guess. Places to go, faces to meet. Second ASC camp is coming up this weekend and yes, I can't wait. :D For many reasons. Pulau Ubin to top it off. Just the kind of weekend I need. Away from books, outdoors, great people and the freedom from home. Hopefully I get to leave behind some of these excess baggage and return with a clearer mind.

I need sleep.

CASCARINO [;

2010-07-02T00:08:00.002+08:00

I love simple and pleasant convos with this guy. Gosh. :D

learn something from this (you're good if you can)

2010-06-14T14:03:00.003+08:00

OKAY!

So now it's on to CSAS. Words can't even begin to describe how stupid and gay I think this module really is, and in case you people don't know what i mean, it's Comm Skills. Pretty retarded yeah. Well... as far as I'm concerned, our Comm Skills module's retarded. But what the heck, let's just get this assignment over and done with.

Aights. Let's see.
"Select one skill from each Category (A and B) and reflect on how you have applied them. Your reflections should focus on your personal communication experience, be as specific and descriptive as possible."
Right. Oh, and for the record, the time now is 1419hrs as I "officially" start this assignment.

Category A: Techniques for Boosting Self-Esteem
What kinda experience have I recently had? Hmm.. (time-check: 1440hrs)
Oh yes. The major flaws talk in the class. This is the part where I'd ramble on about how unfair everything is and I don't really love my class at all and that everyone around me is just being annoyingly condescending. But I won't. (:
NEXT! [ Hey, blogging helps me put things in perspective. Don't mean I gotta put down what I'm actually gonna write for the report eh? (; ]

Category B: Conflict Management Skills- Receiving Feedback (4A Formula)
Honestly, how cheesy can this get? Who cares about formulas when people throw daggers at your face? By the time you go through the 4 stupid steps, you won't be able to get a piece of your mind out there, and aim your own shots. Sheesh. But fine, let's just bullshit our way through and say I actually did use it (when in actuality, I think I swore my heart out and was about ready to knock someone's lights out had another stupid word fall out of that person's big flabby lipless mouth). Yeah....

Cool! I've got my shiz to write about. Chingz! It's 1458hrs. I'm so proud of myself :D See? I've actually applied a self-esteem booster thingy. (:

Saw This on Mervyn's and I Just Had to Do It

2010-06-14T13:28:00.003+08:00

Here is a list of quirky personality traits! Highlight what applies to you, strike what you can't stand.

I always announce when I have to pee/use the bathroom.
I won't eat my food if it touches a different food.
I have to eat a variety of food in a meal.
I will not blow my nose in front of other people.
I put my feet up on everything.
~~I touch everything and anything I can place my hands on.~~
I say hello to everyone I see.
~~I have a tendency to make everything awkward.~~
My mind always wanders to the "sexual" side of things.
I always follow things up with "That's what she said!"
I repeat what people say even if I'd caught it the first time round.
I'm too embarassed to ask my friends/family for tampons.
I use chapstick/lip balm religiously.
I check my accounts online in order everytime I get on the computer.
If I get up from the computer, even for a second, I put an away message up.
I'm always leaving my phone in random places.
I always keep on earbud out, in case someone needs to talk to me.
No, but I'm always keeping it on low volume, or pausing it constantly.
I mark off every day on the calendar.
I have the same routine everytime I take a shower.
I will not go out in public without makeup on.
Everything about my life is very neat. It has to be.
~~I make a to-do list every day, and I'm lost without it.~~
I always check my phone the second I wake up.
I have to pee before bed.
I laugh when I hear/see the number 69.
I yell "Burn!" when someone disses someone else/or I do.
I can't stand silence. Especially when I drive.
I have to listen to something or I can't fall asleep.
I have to have the TV on or I can't fall asleep.
I don't use public bathrooms. Period.
I will NOT fart in front of anyone.
I will absolutely NOT fart in front of my boyfriend/girlfriend.
All my music on iTunes has to have album art.
Going a day without changing my underwear, NEVER, EVER happens.
~~I tend to skip showers frequently.~~
I count to 20 (seconds) when I wash my hands.
~~I don't always wash them when I'm using the bathroom.~~
I'm always forgetting to take my pills.
I have panic attacks frequently.
The door(s) must be shut before I go to bed.
I'm always saying chat lingo out loud (example: "LOL" or "WTF")
I swear way too much for my own good.
Without thinking twice, I always correct spelling/grammar mistakes.
I go for weeks without checking my email.
I show up late to work all the time.
I tend to snack when I have nothing to do.
I rewrite (or type) all my notes.
I'm scared of the dark. [this depends on the situation really]

I should be doing CSAS right now but..okay. next post (:

(Y)

2010-05-30T21:55:00.001+08:00

I'm gonna screw up for my term tests aren't I?

those bonds we form

2010-05-02T00:17:00.002+08:00

School's been great and the people are wonderful. But it's because some, or should I say just one, are too wonderful, it makes me hate it. It's that love hate feeling you get when you see something but you can't quite reach it. Yeah. These things just keep repeating themselves over and over again. And no matter how much I say I've learned my lesson, a new one will always come along to prove me wrong. Bloody fuck.

Anyway, I just had to say this out loud:

I LOVE MY DEARIES AMIRAH, SYAHIRAH AND XIU LIN

You guys are such amazing people I'm lucky to have friends like you. (:

What am i supposed to do?

2010-04-27T18:50:00.003+08:00

I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this
Cause after all the partyin' and smashin' and crashin'
And all the glitz and the glam and the fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time where you fade to the blackness
And when you're staring at that phone in your lap
And you hoping but them people never call you back
-Airplanes => B.o.B ft Hayley Williams

I'm crushing. And crushing real bad. God only knows. Let's just all lay our weapons down, and settle this like civilsed human beings. I'm tired of warfare.

"They say bad things happen for a reason, but no wise words are gonna stop this bleeding. What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok? I'm falling to pieces."

The future's so bright, i gotta wear shades

2010-04-09T22:52:00.004+08:00

Change is inevitable. A person you've known to be the kind, harmless and warm-hearted angel, might have turned into the cold-blooded creature standing before your eyes right this moment. Ready to kill at a second's notice.

But why the somber note to start this? The week's been brilliant! A little. I'm still missing that teeny something that makes it special.. Sigh. If only, if only. Moving on, term's starting soon and I'm still not prepared for what might come. Then again, how Can we ever be prepared? Hah. Live a day at a time cupcakes! Speaking of which, I've recieved my Babycakes t-shirt! Johnny cupcakes would have to wait. :D

And being bored shitless at home during the hols, most of the days, I've now acquired an online obsession. The hotness that is Matt Dallas (GOD those Intense grey eyes! =D) in the form of Kyle XY.

You have no idea how I go gaga over that show now. Too bad ABC Family stopped making the series. ... SHIT THEM! BRING KYLE XY BACK! Bunch o' pricks you guys are for cancelling the show =/

So, a part of the journey is over, and what lies ahead, no one knows. What might have been the most testing of moments, could seem to have come pass. I won't linger in the past more than I should or try and fathom what might be next. Instead, let us all be happy in the now and present(:

Wouldn't That save you?

2010-03-29T00:22:00.002+08:00

Sometimes bawling your eyes out may be the best possible way to forget. A little of the things you wanna forget. I sure enjoyed my session.

And so, help me decide. Help me to make up, make up my mind. Wouldn't that save you?

wouldn't that save you?

tuning in

2010-03-27T01:18:00.003+08:00

So I'm feeling a bit off-ish today.
I'mma do lines instead of speaking my usual way. (: Here goes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah
Uh-uh, uh-uh, okay okay

So I sit in some trendy bar
with a boy who i met through my mate Nix-on
he's a bit of a sort, everything was cool until we talked
now he didn't offend me, but his chat was proper empty
i realised the guy i'm storing
is fit but fuckin boring
and i'm nearly snoring
cuz he goes on and on
about his boresome family
and the village he is from
and he's studying maths
his favourite colour is black
and he's a terrible cook
and--i can't help from staring at his rack!

cos i'm listening
yeah, i'm tuning in!
cos what you say is really interesting (yeah!)
cos i'm tuning in
yeah, i'm zooming in!
cos when you talk i really do listen (honest!)

so we get into this conversation it was oh so fun
and when he finished i downed another drink of coke and then some
i got a toilet break and
he went when i came back, i had to guard his bag
"if you come home with me i'll work all you need
cos i've got a myspace and i don't mind we can walk at your pace
if you wanna stay the night then it really is alright
cos theres enough space and i really think that you'd like my place"
...right.

So i asked him what music he liked
"A bit of everything really"
I asked him; be more specific, but he can't answer my query
ok thats enough, i've heard enough mindless chat
i need to curb on the bullshit and get back to my flat
"boy i've heard enough, you talk about such wanton stuff
cos i've got a myspace and i don't mind we can walk at your pace"
-"i've sat right here polite, lets go back now i'm borderline
cos theres enough space and i really think that you'd like my place"
..don't push it boy.

funk

2010-03-25T22:09:00.004+08:00

At first I thought Life was like a box of chocolates. Dark chocolate. Bittersweet.
But then it turned out that there was more to life than bitter and sweet.

So I figured then that Life was like a river. You flow with it, it seems easy. Until you come across the waterfall and try to swim against the flow. (Which is what the fishes do if you notice it)
But then, there was definitely more to it then just going with or against the current. There's gotta be texture.

So perhaps Life was like a maze. You go around trying to overcome whatever challenge awaits. At some turns, you get stuck. But when you're out, the work's done right? i.e. you're dead.
But that still seemed a little...nah-ah to me. Needs more funk. Cuz I, only too often, find myself in a funk. Deep funk.

Now I'm thinking Life's more of a puzzle. Put the pieces together, and you'll get the big picture. Somewhat like a question and when you're done, you may or may not get an answer depending on how you arrange the pieces.

But maybe all those theories were right. I guess nobody's gonna ever truly figure This puzzle out. Meh. Someone's bound to divide by zero. I'll try. See what happens. (;

Daydreamer

2010-03-13T23:49:00.000+08:00

Time flies fast. I say we all enjoy the smell of flowers while we still can. Or if you're allergic to flowers, the night breeze perhaps.

When I meet up with old friends, I always hear this voice in my head, "Everyone leaves." Yet some still hang around. Maybe not for long, but it's enough to remind me of the good old times. But then again, do we really want to remember the good old times? Cuz honestly, i can feel my heart shrivelling everytime the good memories flood my head. Cuz that's just what they are, memories. And no matter how great they were, I can never relive those moments, and that's heartbreaking, beyond measure.

I really, really liked you, you know? And now I really really miss you. God knows if you're watching from above.

There she goes once again,
the ghost of our love
It's making me shiver
It's only small drops of pain
but even the rain
can turn into rivers

Thought I'd be safe
living behind these walls
But the pressure's too much
and it's starting to fall

So how do I get over you?
How do I survive
living half the life that I knew?
How do I get over you
when you take away everything I held to be true?
I wonder if you feel it too
Do you?

Everywhere that I turn,
there's something there
Something to remind me
When I sleep, it's alone
but still I reach out
as if you're beside me

Thought I'd move on
I tried to find something new
But everything that I did
was something we used to do

Seems like every place,
every person we knew
every sound every taste
reminds me of you

I thought that this would be gone
But it's still so strong
I keep holding on
What else can I do?

Fuck these tears

We're all losers

2010-03-04T00:12:00.002+08:00

Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work? Fuck that. You do what you love and fuck the rest.

Gah, I've been so frustrated these past few days I tend to have little control over my censorship. It's my way of dealing with this so...don't take anything I say too personally. I realised, after a few months of spending time having a "dead-end" job, a dull routined life, I don't really like what I'm doing. Naturally. How do adults do it? Don't they find it suffocating? Yeah, you gotta earn the big bucks, you gotta make a living they say. But being trapped in a prison you've built yourself? That's just fucked up man. It's messed up. People sing and philosophise and create religions around this thing we call Life. But do we know the purpose of it? Or do we simply, blindly follow?

One thing about people that I can't wrap my head around is that, no matter how much they say they want to go on an adventure, have a little quest, they still end up in the same positions much like the rest of us. You know when, and if, I get old, retired; I'mma buy a sailboat and sail myself into the Bermuda Triangle. I'm not kidding. I'll find a way to fucking sail. If I'm gonna die soon, I'll make sure my last moments are spent figuring out my whole purpose of existence. Only then will I die in peace. Else we're just little puppets waiting for the strings to be cut. Dangling helplessly while fate spins us a tale. I'mma be pinocchio and come to life.

Sometimes I wish I could just sleep till I'm 50 or something. Skip all this crap. But then again, you learn from the suffering. So fine, I'll suffer a little longer. And when all this is done, I'll have my way. And then it's the 'fuck the rest' part. Well I could start a little now.

*and never in my life have i thought it was even remotely possible to have any more of a fractured family. my life is so fucked up, u won't believe how much i hate it, yet love it so*

"smile like a big boy"

2010-02-15T02:44:00.005+08:00

Everytime I walk into a crowded place, my brain hurts. That doesn't mean I'm claustrophobic... Okay, maybe a little. But see, whenever I look at a person, a friend/stranger, brief summaries of what their character may be like pop into my head. It's like summing someone up just by looking them over; what they wear, how they talk, what they do, or if they're continually holding onto something that could show how insecure that person is if they lose that certain something.

It's pretty annoying, but half the time, my guesses are just not far off. And I don't wanna know that. Well, not really. Maybe it's just because of some things in that happened in my past but I for one, am not eager to drag the weight of the past.

Which is why I prefer to be alone, more than half the time. Not that I don't appreciate companionship, it's the opposite of that really. But some things about me, I just don't wanna change. I know I may seem like a sociable, sometimes straight up annoying person to be around maybe, but...time by my own is most favourable to me. Sorry to anyone who's ever taken offence to this. Understand this.

On a lighter note, watch this. Classic case of two friends. One irritating, the other irritable.(: Click on the pic.

The magic behind....glasses

2010-02-12T13:52:00.003+08:00

See how just by putting on a pair of glasses transforms you almost completely.

Even Superman does it.

Uncertainty

2010-02-03T22:49:00.003+08:00

uncertainty, it's killing me
and i'm certainly not asleep
maybe I've gone far too deep
maybe I'm just far too weak
and thats the last place i want
to be the last place

and there is so much we don't know
so we love and we hope that it holds

thousands were lost, maybe more
the question remains what is this for?
maybe it came unexpected
maybe i'm left unprotected
and thats the last place i want
to be the last place

and there is so much we don't know
so we love and we hope that it holds
and either we say or we show
so i'm going to fight for my own

i'm holding on until the last
i'm holding on until there's nothing left

Made it 14 blocks without breathing
The stop lights changed their names from green to red to green again
so hold tight, this could be a rough night

Coontails anyone?

2010-02-03T07:58:00.002+08:00

I've been getting crazy ideas recently. Wanting to get coontails (i kinda gave up on snake bites), a fake id, to learn a really cool martial arts skill (the way u see heroes take down villains in spy movies, those fast chopping action) and more stuff like that. I don't know if I ever will accomplish any, but as far as I know, My life has Never been short of surprises. xD I suppose coontails aren't too impossible. It's a just a matter of Finding the right place.

Either that or I shall DIM. Do It Myself. It looks pretty simple anyway. I hope.

Fa `jote

2010-01-28T16:03:00.007+08:00

Second funniest convo on Omegle (too bad I didn't save the first) :

Tell me about it. -.-

It's funny that..

2010-01-20T09:52:00.006+08:00

when you have nothing to do, you're dying to do something.
when you have tons of things to do, you're dying to do nothing.

---------------_____________________________________----------------------

Sometimes I remind myself of some old, failed poet/artist/whatever. I don't know why. ...... Oh. And I'm your real-life Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. Constantly switching between personalities. Hmm. Seriously, though. For now it's Jekylina. Previously it was Hydie.

And by the way, who's watched Avatar? This here below may be a spoiler if you haven't. But in any case... Read It.

Don't you people think it Is like a 'remake' of Pocahontas though? It's true..

OH! Seth was online! Ahh.. He just knows how to make me laugh. Fallbrooke's Losin' It is back as my number one song now. (: Here's to you Seth(:

We’ve been talking from different states
I’ve never laid my eyes on a (boy) this way
All this time I looked away
Over and over I kept playing it safe
Now this time I won’t run away
We’ve never met on a one-night date

I know we’ve never met except on the internet
I got the camera by the bed
So is yours up yet?

Oh I know this is a fast and crazy connection
But you keep monopolizing all my attention
Even though we’ve never met
Oh I think I’m losin’ it

The glossy screen is taunting me
I look at you and it’s where I wanna be

All this time I looked away
Over and over I kept playing it safe
I’ll just cope and find a way
As long as I know you’ll always wait

I know we’ve never met except on the internet
I got the camera by the bed
So is yours up yet?

Oh I know this is a fast and crazy connection
But you keep monopolizing all my attention
Even though we’ve never met
Oh I think I’m losin’ it

Oh I never meant to fall this way
I’ve never laid my eyes on a (boy) this way

I know we’ve never met except on the internet
I’ve got the camera by the bed
So is yours up yet?

Oh I know this is a fast and crazy connection
But you keep monopolizing all my attention
Even though we’ve never met
Oh I think I’m losin’ it

-Fallbrookes "Losin' It"

"Things fall apart; the center cannot hold"

2010-01-14T11:44:00.007+08:00

My whole life is just One Big Trial

Time came and went that fast. Now I'm onto the next step. Climbing this huge ladder to face the jury's verdict. Accusations upon accusations. Testimonials upon testimonials. And to top it off, the defendant is a Big jerk. Heck, the bailiff can't wait to get his hands on me.

To tell you the truth, you don't know how much I'm willing to just hand over the winning line. Cut the crap short. End it.
That would be so much easier than trudging on.
It would be so much easier than having to continue resisting.
So much easier than having to bat away every single dagger that comes at me.
Duck, dodge, dive, hide. But there's no running, and that's the truth. The whole truth.

It's in my head, all these things. I can't get rid of them. Like some filthy animal inside, and I will never, ever, ever get rid of it. It makes me feel so bad. It's disgusting. I want to throw up. I want to die. I want someone to shoot me in the head so I don't have to think about everything.

And the things that come my way. What kind of sick world is this? I'm just a kid. I'm seventeen. I should be facing boy troubles or problems with academics or strains in friendships. Not this.

Not this.

Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Heppie No Ear?

2009-12-31T22:18:00.002+08:00

I am so sorry people. I did try putting up the pictures but it's been driving me crazy. Giving me problems even on facebook. If you wanna see a little of what happened in Phuket, go ahead and check out my facebook page. I really wish I could give you guys a preview, no kidding, but I can't ):

So it's new year's eve and I'm at home. For the first time in a long time. Grounded and I'm not allowed to go party. Embarrassing much. Not even to a neighbour's house. -.-

It's alright. I'll be free tomorrow. And then it'll be another year. So...to anyone who's reading this,

And mum and dad, I really wanted to have a new year's resolution.., but Santa wouldn't give me one so booya! See you peeps next year!

I've Always Had Unkempt Hair

2009-12-20T18:17:00.003+08:00

This gives me something to laugh about I suppose. The fat one's me.
Phuket in exactly 12 hours from now. Back in a week's time and then it will be back to work. Oh, and I'm starting with SAMH(Singapore Association for Mental Health) next monday.

If you bought that the fat one's me, do come down to SAMH and I'll gladly assist you with your problems.

Money the easy/hard way

2009-12-17T22:58:00.004+08:00

I've been answering and making calls for about two weeks now and I think I pretty much know every type of people there are out there. Isn't that cocky?

Rude people,
Ignorant people,
Friendly people,
Polite people,
Chatty people,
Arrogant people,
Stupid people,
Smart people,

And the list goes on....

The first 2 days I tolerated them. The third day, I exploded at some of them. The rest of the days, I hang up on them. Good thing I still have my job. And there Are perks. Like having the phone all to yourself for 4 whole hours. And being me, naturally ideas started coming. Heh.

Victim No. 1
D: Hello?
Me: Hi. May I speak to Mr. D?
D: Er..speaking.
Me: Hi Mr D. I'm calling from EJB. May I enquire If you've ever done modelling or acting on your part?
D: Er..no.
Me: Okay. Bcuz we've got clients who are interested in you. ... Would you like to invest your body?
D: ..... Huh?
Me: *silent fits of laughter after hanging up*

That first one was seriously impromptu. And now that I'm reviewing it again, it's lame. Haha.. Oh well. Many more victims came after that. (: And I can't wait for tomorrow and Monday. Tomorrow since I'll be getting my pay. And monday since I'll be flying to Phuket. Woot! And I'm seriously thinking of backpacking next year with Twin. Maybe NZ/Perth? Hopefully. Gotta save up enough money now.

2009-12-17T22:55:00.002+08:00

"Hey, go out with me! I'll take you shopping :)

But I'm not paying for any of your shit. Neither am I going to hold it for you."

>:(

GSSDARNIAQWDP

2009-12-09T12:09:00.004+08:00

It's that time of the year again! Everyone's gonna start to R.I.P.!

Rave In Parties!

Yeap. It's December and it's just parties after gatherings after parties after gatherings again and again.. Too bad I don't snap up some photos every few seconds. These days, it's becoming an annoyance. Hahah. Been raking up some cash at least, from phone calls and it isn't as bad as I thought. Irritating people I mean. Mission Impossible on Sunday perhaps. I don't even have an identical twin and I'm intending to cover up for someone who doesn't look the slightest bit like me but has my name as the only reason. I must be crazy. But nevertheless, we'll pull it off(:

Some days it gets boring without anything to do at home. I figured webcamming would be fun but no one else wants to look at my face besides me. xD So on those days, I end up doing... nothing.

There were those goofy moments too when more than one person gets bored. We happen to whip out a game of our own. Hmm. Like when we had the Flash Mob at esplanade. Impromptu Stomp. Unfortunately, you people won't be able to see it cuz the video got confiscated by the Esplanade officials. Performance in public without a license or something like that. But honestly, some people just gotta start living.

Charlie & Charlie Duet

2009-12-02T17:40:00.003+08:00

Brilliant. Amazing. I love it! :D

Diary Replies

2009-11-30T17:28:00.002+08:00

Dear Nickie,

You're a faggot. GET A LIFE.

xoxo, your diary

I Got Ticky-Tacks

2009-11-30T13:45:00.002+08:00

Dear Diary,

My life's one big mess. Everything I do seems monotonous. I can't find the joy in doing the same things over and over again. My life sucks. I think even rats have better lives. I wish I could just, like, get a car and drive off to Alaska and live in winter all year long or something. Maybe I'd be dead by the end of the year. Yeah.

P.S. Fettucini, my cat, is having the sniffles. I've been hoping he passes it on to me so I'd have, like, a mutated flu or something and die and maybe nobody would find me till, like, 10 years later or something.

Love,
Nickie